


it's my fault

by CrimsonCobalt



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other, Poetry, i did not check my spelling wow, idk its just a rewrite of some random stuff i wrote a while back, im not sure if this classes as poetry or not???, kinda deppressing lol, youre welcome????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 09:35:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13738077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonCobalt/pseuds/CrimsonCobalt
Summary: tumblr prompt: moving onIt’s you that always gets me.





	it's my fault

**Author's Note:**

> yikES
> 
> also song reccs for this shit because idk they're just what i used while writing it and yeah:
> 
> ~alps-novo amor  
> ~cursive-billie marten  
> ~the night we met-lord huron  
> ~peppermint smiles-tiffi  
> ~where's my love(alternative version)-syml  
> ~fear of the water-syml  
> ~darkroom-ten sleep  
> ~lights out-exo  
> ~neurosis-oliver riot  
> ~spring day-bts  
> ~tied down-james young  
> ~apocalypse-cigarettes after sex  
> ~miles apart-nick wilson
> 
> i know no one will probably even listen to them but oh well

tumblr prompt~

“struggling to move on”

~~~~~

It’s you that always gets me.

It’s the you that would tilt your head in a beautiful puzzle whenever someone looked your way, whenever I would remember something as insignificant as your coffee order because you never took a notice to those around you, always drenched in admiration, always. Never noticing the infatuation that surrounded you, how everyone, how i always wished to be washed in your colour. To make you realise we remember. We care, because we love you.

I love you.

I know the you that’s a dark scar across a familiar golden sky, the you that saturated my world in the deepest hues of the darkest dusk. The you that drowned me in an idealistic backdrop of beauty that was unbelievable for one as plain myself. You remembered. You surprised me, and it was incredible...but I couldn’t breathe.

I can't breathe

You that is the faded glow of long dead stars and the darkness between, you were the cracks in the paint on the ceiling that entertained this warped mind of mine, fine lines of age curling around my thoughts as if to tell a story that they themselves didn’t fully understand, a pictorial array. Giving me a focal point as to distract me from the black my eyes seemed to had become accustomed to, the thick static, a heavy glassy coating over my senses.

You’re like a drug

And I know you’re bad for me, I know and I want more

But you're destroying me,

burning me from inside out

And I let you, 

Because I love you.

In the black you came in, a blazing wildfire that reached out and consumed me and all I know. Filling my lungs with smoke and the remains of a life I will never get to have, one I forgot yet never truly knew. You cast an array of smoke tendrils to dance within my lungs and although they’re beautiful, they’re killing me.

It’s the you that I recognize in the deepest sunrise that claws its way onto my walls. It’s the you that latches at my ankles;  
I had thought for as long as I could bear that it was an equal need for intimacy, for a love that, as unstable as it was, was there. That you needed me. Just as I need you. But it was you who was pulling my feet out from beneath me. It was you that tripped me in the dark and it was you who had the nerve to ask me why I was bleeding. Pulling me down into oblivion with you. And I assumed this was love, that this was your expression of love.  
Because I didn’t know any better.

Ignorance is bliss. That’s how the saying goes isn’t it? Such bliss is temporary, it comes with crippling uncertainty that twists ones mind into roots of spiny blossoms that latch within your bones and makes you heavy. Weak.They're very pretty, they're oh so pretty, and with time they may bloom but what good is pretty to a open wound? what good is pretty to an open question? what good is pretty to me? you made me feel very pretty, a beautiful fool.

I guess you got what you wanted. Me:pliable and content with swallowing the nothing that I convinced myself was enough to live on because your nothing is better than being left to go cold in the empty air, living with the confirmation that I was not enough.

the knowing that i wasn't wanted, the knowing that surrounded me and seeped into me. the knowing that filled me to the brim yet left me oh so hollow.

the feeling never left, it simply left its residence in me, to plauge the world i walk through.

You live in my walls,I feel you. Surrounding me. You're under the floor. I see your face in my dreams, your eyes never stray from mine. Its a dislocated torture. Breaths heaving in a broken torment. I wish I could never come back. But try as I may to stay awake, I see your face when I blackout, its a game of durability and I cant help but lose to you. i don't mind really.

I wanted to understand.

I wanted you to understand.

i wanted you...

so i let you take me,

i let you win

Every  
single  
time.

Its the you that resides in the coffee that I let go cold to the side because its burn is far to similar to the path of heat you used to leave in your wake. You were the hazy glaze that was smeared across the window. A broken rosy glow, fracturing into a kaleidoscope of color that would paint your skin into shards of mornings past. I loved the person you drew out from within me, someone to be desired. You painted me every color, and became all to my eyes. I can’t help but see you in every swirl of breath that escapes me, you’re every blur of yellow streaming from lamp lined streets when it rains, you’re the smell of fresh sheets and you’re the crackle of a raging fire when you get just a little too close, you’re every god damn light that beams from the glow of man made stars upon a capital when my glasses are removed, it being you who said I looked better that way, and I believed you because it made the world with you just that more beautiful, softening harsh lines and making it easier to pretend I couldn’t see my growing wounds.I was blind but that was okay. You made that okay. You said I fit with the swirling nebulae, you made me feel as if I fell from the heavens. Like I was something precious

 

I guess I wasn’t precious enough to keep.

 

You, are the harsh sting in my eyes from a night of staring at nothing and trying to distract myself because its better than the alternative. You are the pain in my joints from throwing myself into things as to find something else to consume me because I don’t recognize a me without you anymore. I don’t remember how to be me without you anymore.

You are the ache within me that drives all I have and are yet to achieve but you are that block in the road keeping me strung between. You are the singe in my chest that says ‘you were not enough, you should have tried harder’.

You are the blur in my eyes that reads acceptance, because no matter how much I may have tried, I know nothing I could have done would have made you stay, because I am simply not enough.

Once consumed, all that’s left is waste.

You are the unnamed feeling that settles in my stomach in the darkest of nights. When not even the demons I’ve come to know dare claw their way around the door frame. A feeling that cannot be written, that can’t be portrayed and I can’t bring myself to understand it.

I don’t understand it at all.

A stupid human feeling.

it's my fault.

A stupid feeling of mine.

i should have tried harder.

i know this is no ones fault but mine

And it hurts,

God only knows how much it burns.


End file.
